Transitory Psychosis

This weekend I read an article from the June/July issue of The Atlantic magazine. The article, “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off,” was written by Sandra Tsing Loh (read it here). The teaser reads, “The author is ending her marriage. Isn’t it time you did the same?”

Forty-seven-year-old Loh chronicles the demise of her 20-year marriage, apparently prompted by her extramarital affair. Early on, she asks, “Why do we still insist on marriage? Sure, it made sense to agrarian families before 1900, when to farm the land, one needed two spouses, grandparents, and a raft of children. But now that we have white-collar work and washing machines, and our life expectancy has shot from 47 to 77, isn’t the idea of lifelong marriage obsolete?”
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On June 30, 1977 a skinny 18-year-old kid kissed his new bride. She was an older woman of 19. We were too young and too poor to get married. But we were too much in love not to.

I don’t recommend to others that they marry that young. What followed were some hard years. Long days at school. Long nights at work. Too many bills. Too little income. But for every hard lesson to be learned there were two immeasurable joys to experience.

The odds are against couples that marry young. But the odds didn’t concern us. Our college classmates congratulated us to our faces, but tried to guess how long it would last behind our backs. Most were wrong. After 32 years we are still very much in love, even more so than we were back then.

Eighteen months later, God gave us a son. Three and a half years after that He blessed us with a daughter. Now it’s just the two of us at home these days, anxiously awaiting our next visit with our kids, their wonderful spouses, and our four grandchildren. In the meantime, the honeymoon continues . . .

Thank you, Dianna, for giving me the privilege of sharing life with you! The fun isn’t over. The flame still burns brightly. I’m looking forward to growing old together!

Yesterday I returned home from work to find what I knew to be a Father’s Day present from my son, Joe, sitting on the kitchen table. When I opened the oblong box I found an unexpected pleasant surprise–a sword.

My son knows me pretty well. I have wanted a sword for a long time. Every time I considered buying one there were too many other purchases that were far more necessary, so I put it off. I even wanted to mount one in the lobby of a church I used to pastor. That, too, never got done.

It’s not that I have any dragons to slay or duels to conduct. I just like the symbolism of swords. To me they convey an image of courage and strength–things I long to see in myself and in others. But the symbolism of this gift went much further. Listen to my son’s own words of explanation:

Hey Dad!

There are multiple reasons behind the sword for Father’s Day. You have always been a warrior fighting for what is good and true and right in the world. You have passed the importance of fighting for what is good and true and right to me. The sword is a symbol of that fight.
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After nearly two weeks of silence in this space, some may be wondering if I am still around. As you can see, I’m still here.

It’s been an exciting time for our family. Dianna and I spent a week in Oklahoma welcoming the arrival of our third grandson, Landon James Horath. He was six weeks early and small (4 lbs 2 oz 16.75 inches) but healthy. After a few days in the Neonatal ICU, he went home last Saturday (April 18). As you can see in the photo, Papa’s quite proud! Cassie, his mom, is doing well too.

The blessings keep coming, too. Our daughter-in-law, Amy, is due to deliver her first this Friday (April 24). Of course, that depends upon Baby Yandell’s timing. He or she (they have chosen to be surprised) may have other ideas. Anyway, in less than two weeks, we’ll be in California to say hello.

Then, last night I received a letter from a friend. Enclosed was a check he felt prompted by the Lord to send to me, not knowing whether I had any particular need for it. As the Lord would have it, I incurred an unexpected expense for almost the same amount earlier in the day! God was preparing several days ago to meet a need I didn’t even know we had.

Needless to say, I’m feeling blessed today . . . hope you are too.

I’ve been thinking about some married couples I have known. The particular couples I have in mind are of a variety of ages, live in different parts of the country, and are of varied economic status. All, however, have one thing in common–one partner suffers from serious debilitating illness.

The illnesses vary: blindness, Alzheimer’s, multiple sclerosis, Parkinson’s, cancer, etc. In some cases, the illness has been determined to be terminal–the end is in sight. In other cases the illness is “merely” debilitating. The healthy spouse is forced to watch as his or her partner in life slowly spirals downward.
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Thirty-one years ago today I made second best decision of my life. My best decision was, of course, to become a follower of Jesus Christ, but the decision I made 31 years ago is a close second. Standing before God and a church full of witnesses, I took Dianna Sue Redfearn to be my wife, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health. She made the same decision but I got the better end of the deal.
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Last Saturday was an amazing day! I experienced one of the greatest gifts of love I have ever received. In 2002, Dianna and I purchased our first home. In our 25+ years of marriage we had always lived in rented homes or parsonages. We were excited about buying a house that would truly be ours and had lots of plans for things we’d like to do it.

However, since that time, my disability due to MS has increased, making it impossible for me to do the outdoor home maintenance chores—much less anything additional. As a result, things outside had been neglected.
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As important as it is for teens to see an example of a good marriage relationship, it is equally important they see how love is expressed. Through music, movies, and other media, teens often get a skewed view of how to show someone you love him or her. Love and lust are often treated as synonyms (that’s for another post) and expressions of love are usually physical or material. A healthy marriage will, of course, include such acts but expressing love is so much more.

Teens need to see expressions of love between spouses like these:

Opening/holding the door
Spontaneous kisses
Love notes (they don’t have to read them, just know about them)
Cards for no particular reason
Frequent spoken expressions of love (“I love you”)
Hand-holding
Embraces
Smiles and winks
A closed and locked bedroom door
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It’s a gross story and if gross stuff bothers you, don’t read it. Yesterday, the Associated Press reported a story about a guy in Colorado that suffered an investation of bot fly larvae in his scalp. (Here’s the story. Thankfully, no photos.)

Doctors believe he probably picked it up on a recent trip to Belize. Not used to practicing tropical medicine, the doc first diagnosed it as shingles. Then, on the second visit, he realized something else was up.

What was most interesting to me (besides the gross factor–after all, I edit TEEN magazines) was his wife’s comment. She told a reporter that she had assured her husband, “I will love you through your maggots.”

After reading that it struck me that her words, though spoken tongue-in-cheek, remind us of two important ingredients of love.

1. The ability to laugh. I suppose one could argue that her humor was cruel. Apparently, her husband didn’t think it was funny. But, it reminds me of a lot of conversations around our house. Keeping a marriage together, raising kids, and dealing with chronic illness all require a healthy ability to laugh–sometimes at yourself. There are times when laughing is all that keeps you sane.

2. The commitment to love others through their “maggots.” What I mean by that is that everyone goes through difficult times–discouragement, illness, unemployment, bad moods, PMS (okay, not everyone goes through that one), stress, anger, etc. Enduring relationships require loving others through their hard times. Sometimes that means giving them space for a day or two, sometimes it means giving them grace for a lifetime.

In Christ, we have the perfect example of this kind of love. He stands by us, even in our worst times. Even when things get gross. Even when the personal cost of that love is immense. It’s my prayer that you will experience this kind of love and that you will share it with others–especially your sometimes “maggot”-infested teens.

PS: Don’t tell them I called them that.

It’s almost here. In two days, June 30, 2007, Dianna and I will celebrate 30 years of marriage. (I know, I already mentioned that in a previous post, but I’m rather proud of it.) It’s hard to believe three decades have passed since we said “I do” in a small barn-turned-church in Claremore, Oklahoma. I think the only person more nervous than me was the preacher–my bride’s Daddy.

We were young, 18 (me) and 19 (her). We were still in college, broke, and unprepared. All we knew is that we wanted to spend our lives together and we didn’t want to wait until everything was perfect. Our first child (a son) was born about 18 months later and his sister came along about three-and-a-half years after that.

We did just about everything wrong by today’s standards–married too young, had babies too soon, didn’t have our educational, career, or financial ducks in a row, etc. But, in spite of it all, we’ve made it. Dianna is still the most beautiful woman on the planet and we’re still madly in love.

I’ve asked myself recently, why has our marriage worked when so many fail? I’ve come up with three answers:

1. God. I know that sounds trite to some, but the honest truth is that we have tried to build our relationship around a shared faith. It began with a conviction that He intended for us to be together. It has continued with the assurance that the One who brought us together walks with us day-by-day.

2. Refusing to entertain divorce as an option. When we began talking about marriage, we both made almost identical statements to the other: If you marry me, you’d better be sure you are in it for a lifetime. There are no other options. We knew this commitment had to be two-sided to make it stick. It was. In the most difficult times we have clung to this bedrock principle–the God who brought us together will enable us to stay that way.

3. Unselfish love. The very nature of love is deciding to put another’s best interests before one’s own. We have tried to live like that. That has sometimes meant saying no to self in order to say yes to one another. It’s not easy, especially in the early years. But, each of us have experienced times when doing what is best for the other has meant serious loss or suffering for ourselves. Yet, we took the words of our vows seriously–”in sickness and in health.”

The tragedy of our times is that many people have never seen or been taught the concept of sacrificial love. Thus, when a spouse does not meet his or her “needs,” they look for someone who will. When they do, they miss out on the closest thing to heaven on earth–a Christ-centered, committed, unselfish marriage. I have found it and wish the same for you and the young people you influence.

Happy anniversary, Lady Di!