Transitory Psychosis

Danny Conn forwarded me a story about a South Korean couple that has been charged in the death of their three-month-old daughter. Quoting from the story:

The baby was found dead last September 24 and an autopsy showed her death was caused by a long period of malnutrition.

“They indulged themselves in the online game of raising a virtual character so as to escape from reality, which led to the death of their real baby.

Incredible story, don’t you think? But it prompted a thought. Isn’t something similar occurring when parents immerse themselves in things such as work, leisure, media, or pleasure to the neglect of parenting, marriage-building, and their relationship with God? I’m not saying those things are wrong, each one has a place in our lives; but when things are allowed to overshadow our God-given priorities it results in long-term repercussions.

It all dovetails with my recent concerns that we are, as one author said, “amusing ourselves to death” as a culture. We find a million things to do to “escape” from those things we should be doing. Too often it results in neglecting life’s most important relationships.

Time invested in building your relationship with God, your spouse, and your children pays dividends for generations to come. It’s worth the effort!

Today, I can’t escape this sad thought: What have we done to our kids? My wife works at a local high school. Last year they had over 50 pregnant girls in the school. This week, she met a young friend of another student. The friend was very pregnant. My wife asked, “When is your baby due?” “November,” she replied. She’s 14.

It’s not that teen girls didn’t get pregnant in previous generations. But by all accounts, the numbers today are dramatic increases over those of the past. I can’t help asking, what have we (as a culture) done to our kids?

We’ve told them sex is a right that belongs to everyone, no matter the age or marital status. They believe us and they are paying the price in unwanted pregnancies and rampant STDs. It is a price that affects more than the individual. It affects us all.

We’ve told them love is a fleeting emotion that comes and goes with the surge of our hormones. They believe us and search for it in the arms of one, then another, then another, etc.

What has motivated the lies we’ve propagated? In most cases, money. Sex sells. Sales turn a profit. Children suffer, but that’s collateral damage and we aren’t responsible. So while the cash registers ring, the societal price cost goes up.

The sad truth is that we’re only beginning to see the damage. This is a debt we are going to be paying on longer than we can imagine, even if we were to stop the lies tomorrow. But we’re not stopping. We’re just turning up the volume. Maybe that’s good. It drowns out the tears of our children.

I read an article last night from the New York Times about middle school kids “coming out” as gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Not surprisingly, several cited in the article are confused about their sexual identity and are experimenting with both homosexual and heterosexual relationships. These are 11 and 12-year-olds, most of whom have not actually engaged in sexual relations of any kind. Yet, they are identifying as gay, lesbian, or bi.

Then, this morning I saw photos and commentary from European fashion shows. No, I’m not interested in fashion in the least. I am interested in how the fashion industry influences our culture’s view of beauty and body image. As I expected, the photos revealed anorexic-looking models serving as walking hangers for the designers’ latest creations. Not only were there no models of average build, there were none that even appeared to be healthy. Put them in a third world country and we’d be sending money and food to them to alleviate the famine.

All this reminds me of how difficult it is to be a young person today. Having thrown the door open to any expression of sexual activity, our society has made an often confusing time of life into a nightmare: Am I gay? Am I straight? Am I bi? How do I know? How do I deal? The reality is that pre-pubescent young people have always experienced the tension of moving from “girls/boys have cooties” to first “romance.” It is normal and natural to feel more comfortable around your same-sex friends while being drawn to more than merely tolerating the opposite sex. The problem is that we have now thrown into the mix a decision that is both unnecessary and unnatural.

At the same time, the barrage of images that define the “perfect” body comes at young people from every direction. The celebrated bodies are always far from the norm or average appearance, setting the standard of “beauty” at a level that is out of reach for all but a genetically privileged few. As a result, some young people are trying ridiculous methods of creating such a body (anorexia, steroids, etc.) or are merely sinking into depression at their inability to measure up.

These are just two issues that make being a pre-teen or teenager more difficult today than it was when I was a kid (and it was no walk in the park even then). It also makes the role of parents even more critical. We must do the hard work of courageously, firmly, and lovingly refusing to allow a corrupted culture to tell our children that wrong is right. That is not accomplished by isolation (although some restrictions on “entertainment” are appropriate), but rather by insulation–providing our kids with a protective coating of parental love, the opportunity for a real relationship with Jesus Christ, and the timeless wisdom of the Word of God. That is, in fact, what we refer to as D6 (Deuteronomy 6) parenting.

Yesterday I returned home from work to find what I knew to be a Father’s Day present from my son, Joe, sitting on the kitchen table. When I opened the oblong box I found an unexpected pleasant surprise–a sword.

My son knows me pretty well. I have wanted a sword for a long time. Every time I considered buying one there were too many other purchases that were far more necessary, so I put it off. I even wanted to mount one in the lobby of a church I used to pastor. That, too, never got done.

It’s not that I have any dragons to slay or duels to conduct. I just like the symbolism of swords. To me they convey an image of courage and strength–things I long to see in myself and in others. But the symbolism of this gift went much further. Listen to my son’s own words of explanation:

Hey Dad!

There are multiple reasons behind the sword for Father’s Day. You have always been a warrior fighting for what is good and true and right in the world. You have passed the importance of fighting for what is good and true and right to me. The sword is a symbol of that fight.
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I’ve been on vacation at Grand Lake (in Oklahoma) with my wife’s side of the family and our daughter, son-in-law, and two of our grandsons this week. Andrew is 3 and loves to ride on the golf cart we use to get around the resort. One day, he and I were driving the golf cart to his Great Grandma’s house when a squirrel hopped out of a tree and into the road in front of us. Instead of dashing on across the road, he stopped.

As we drew closer, I slowed a bit and then playfully said, “Get out of the way you little dummy!” As the squirrel bounded away, Andrew repeated, “Get out of the way, little dummy!” When the incident was relayed to other family members, Papa was chastised for teaching Andrew a bad habit.

Later, my wife (Andrew’s “Granny”) was driving the cart with Andrew aboard when a squirrel bounded out on the road. “Look at that squirrel, Drew,” she said. He replied, “That’s not a squirrel, it’s a little dummy–Papa said!” For the rest of the week, Drew has referred to the squirrels as “little dummies.” And he’s always suggesting we look for them as we drive the cart!

Once again, Papa has relearned a lesson I learned many years ago when Drew’s Mommy and brother were little. Kids have listening ears and will repeat what they hear. Thankfully, identifying squirrels as “little dummies” is nothing terrible. I want to make sure what he hears me say is something I want him to repeat.

The title of this post is a piece of advice I’ve given to parents on more than one occasion. It’s not original with me, of course, but it has proven to be a good guide for communication of all types.

1. Say it well. I’m not talking about style but rather about being exact. A rule of thumb we’re trying to follow in editorial: If it can be misunderstood or misinterpreted it will be. Be sure you make clear what you mean and what you don’t mean.

2. What they hear is what you said. That’s not to say that people don’t misunderstand. It is to say that what they understood is what they will tell others you said. Be sure that what they hear is what you meant to say. Make it your business to be heard correctly.

3. Before you say it, be sure you mean it. Once said (or read) words cannot be recaptured. Even if you are successful in correcting yourself, the impression made by the original will never be completely forgotten. This is extremely important for parents. A stray word can stick for a lifetime.

4. If you say it, do it. Don’t make promises (or threats) you cannot or will not keep. If you say, “This is the last time . . .” then follow through.

Say what you mean; mean what you say. It’s good advice. Now, if I can just take it . . .

Every family argues. But does it matter how we do it? A study that has spanned three decades says yes. According to an article by Elizabeth Cooney (“A lingering cloud” – read it here), the Simmons Longitudinal Study has followed more than 300 kindergartners into adulthood with some interesting results.

The most recent results, published in March 2009 issue of the Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, indicate that “children exposed to their parents’ verbal battles or involved in family arguments, were more likely to be functioning poorly at age 30 than other people in the study who did not live in increasingly fight-filled homes. The children exposed to family fighting were two to three times more likely to be unemployed, suffer from major depression, or abuse alcohol or other drugs by age 30. They also were more likely to struggle in personal relationships, but that was evident to a lesser degree.”
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Working with today’s teens and young adults can result in a bit of culture shock for anyone over 35 or so. Emerging generations view the world and the church quite differently than did their fathers and grandfathers.

Once in a while, I run across an individual or presentation that helps narrow that vaunted “generation gap.” The video below is just the latest. It’s a little long for this forum (just over 8 minutes), but if you work with, minister to, or parent a Gen Xer, it’s well worth your time. I’d love to hear your comments.

As usual, I have no control over any videos YouTube attaches to this, so use discretion in viewing an additional videos.

At what age should parents have the “sex talk” with their kids? Over the years, I’ve heard a lot of answers to that question. This week I’ve heard of one parent who has scheduled a date for “the talk” with their 13-year-old son. I’ve heard others say it should be no later than 14.

Let me preface my remarks by saying I do not profess to be an expert on this issue, nor do I claim to have done this perfectly with my own kids. However, I do have some experience in dealing with this issue as a parent, pastor, and informal counselor.

That said, if you are waiting for any age that ends with “teen” to talk to your kids about sex, you are too late. In fact, if you are waiting until the double-digit years to bring up the subject, you’re too late. In addition, if you think having the “sex talk” is both the beginning and the end of the discussion of this issue, you’re mistaken.
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The Pastor’s Weekly Briefing reported last week on a survey of 750 American teens conducted by the Junior Achievement consulting firm, Deloitte. Of interest to me was that only 3% of the teens surveyed said they see clergy (pastors, priests, rabbis, or imams) as role models. Instead, these teens see their friends (13%), teachers or coaches (6%), and siblings (5%) as their role models.

This is a good reminder of the distance between pastors and their parishioners–particularly the young. In looking for role models, these teens look to those with whom they feel a close connection. I’ve read other studies in which teens overwhelmingly identified their parents as the most admired people in their lives.
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